What I’m Looking Forward to in 2019

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Happy New Year! I wrote a post similar in both 2017 and 2018 to get myself hyped for the year ahead and you know what? I am hyped. I’m looking forward to 2019 more than I’ve ever looked forward to any other year. It might be for the reasons I’m about to list below so we’ll see! Here’s what I’m looking forward to in 2019.

Trying to tick off my New Year’s Resolutions

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I recently wrote a post with my New Year’s Resolutions and I feel like they were relatively achievable and I’m looking forward to ticking them off. I also recently thought of one which I didn’t include the post which is ‘take better care of my skin’. To be fair, my skin could be a lot worse because it’s relatively clear but I feel like I could be doing more to take care of it. I remember steaming my face and applying a face mask and the works at a girly night with my friends and my face felt amazing the next day. I’d like to aim to do that at least once a month over 2019.

I think I can achieve everything on the list and I’m going to do my best to do so!

Going to Romania

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When me and my friends got back from Asia we only had a few days to recover before jetting off to Paris for two nights. The day after we got back from Paris was the day I returned to work and instantly the depression kicked in. That was my holidays done for the year and I didn’t have anything to look forward to. So that night when I got home I booked myself a trip to Romania. I’d been on about going for a while because I like the whole ‘Dracula’ thing and I just think Romania would be interesting to go to.

It’ll be my first trip of the year (18 days and counting!) because I realised that I really don’t like January. Everyone’s on a diet, we’re all on a come down from Christmas and I’m normally broke from getting paid early. I was more sensible with my money this year so hopefully I shouldn’t get the January blues too bad and even if I do, I have my trip to Romania to look forward to! I’m only going for three nights but I’m still really looking forward to it!

Going on a trip with my friends

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Me and my three best friends love travelling more than anything and we’ve gone abroad together a few times now… But this is usually for a purpose. The first couple of times were travelling for K-Pop concerts and then after that it was to celebrate our 21st birthdays. This will be the first trip we’ve booked just because we want to go away and have some fun.

We’ve all got the time off work we just haven’t been able to find a time that we’re all free to book it yet. At the moment we’ve settled on Belgium so hopefully we’ll be jetting off in March! It’s been a while since we all sat down together to book a holiday, the last time was in 2017 when we went to Amsterdam because every other time at least one of us wasn’t in on booking it because it was a birthday present. So I’m looking forward to even just planning it at this point!

Working on my writing

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I put it on my bucket list that I was going to work on my novel. Even if I only write 1000 words a week, I’m going to at least start making some progress! And I’m starting to look forward to it. I found the start of a novel I’d written a while ago and it wasn’t actually bad, I’m looking forward to starting that story but I just need to work some stuff out. Either way, I’m going to make progress with my writing and I’m really looking forward to it! Even if it doesn’t get published I’d just like to have a finished draft that I’m proud of.

Going to Dublin

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You know that bank holiday weekend in April? For the past two years I’ve told myself I’m going to do something that weekend – I mean it’s ideal, it’s a full four days off work so I don’t need to book any annual leave! Last year I even booked a hotel in Llandudno but due to funds had to cancel at the last minute. I’m pretty sure the year before that I kept thinking about it but ended up having to work at my brothers. Well, not this year.

I’m not sure what encouraged me to do it, one minute I was looking at flights with no real intention of securing anything and the next thing I knew I’d booked myself onto a flight to Dublin. Quite cheap really, it cost about £56. Accommodation in Dublin is not cheap though and to stay in a hostel is going to cost me quite a lot of money but I don’t mind, I’m just looking forward to finally doing something that weekend!

Going to San Francisco

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In October my Mom mentioned to me that she’d love to visit San Francisco but when she’d mentioned it to my step-dad he hadn’t been keen. I’ll travel pretty much anywhere so I said I’d go with her. It took forever to get her to commit to a particular date and then even longer for her to actually book it but she did and now we’re off to San Francisco in May!

I owe her money for the flights still but I’ll pay that back before we go and then we’ll be spending a week in San Francisco. I’ve only ever been to America once and that was to New York so it’ll be interesting to see a different part of it, and I’m looking forward to it!

Doing Something Fun for my Birthday

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I spent my 22nd birthday in Tokyo and obviously that was amazing. The year before on my 21st I didn’t particularly do much – my friends came over, we went for a meal, went bowling and then in the evening I went out for a meal with my family. Which I enjoyed but I’d wanted to do something a bit more exciting, I just hadn’t planned it early enough. Which is why I’m already trying to plan my 23rd birthday.

It falls on a Monday this year which is a bit of a pain because I’m going to have to book the day off work – people who work their birthdays amaze me, I could/would never do that. So I’m wondering whether to book several days off and go away or just have the day and do something fun in my home town? I’m not really decided yet but once I do decide I’m gonna get it booked and have a great time.

Seeing Cursed Child again

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Last year me and Becca went to see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child and had the best time ever so when the next batch of tickets was released we book to go again but in better seats this time. So we’re off to see it in March! Then to cheer my friend Hirst up I booked us tickets to go in August so I’ll get to see it twice this year which is exciting! I’m really looking forward to seeing it again, it’s without a doubt my favourite show and it’s going to be so much fun.

And that’s just what I have to look forward to at the moment, I have no doubt that tons of other fun stuff will happen in 2019 and I can’t wait!

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Growing up Fat

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Those of you who regularly read this blog must know that I am by no means a skinny person. I’ve been overweight pretty much as long as I can remember and although I’ve made many attempts to reduce my weight I have given up at pretty much every one of them. Part of me thinks I’ll be happier if I’m skinny whereas the other part of me wonders if I’d actually care that much if society wasn’t putting as much pressure on me to care. I’d probably be healthier but I’m not sure about happier.

I wouldn’t really say I was bullied at any point for being overweight, I’ve had people say mean things about me as pretty much everyone has but I was never specifically targeted for my size. Obviously some people have been mean enough to bring it up – I still remember the group of year nines walking behind me and my friend when we were in year eight and one of them whispering loudly enough for me to hear (definitely on purpose) “God she’s fat, isn’t she?” But as far as I can remember I was never harassed about it. But I did hate it.

Other than the occasional mean comments I also had to worry about/be insecure about certain things that skinner children/teenagers probably wouldn’t have thought twice about.

My main one was whenever food was mentioned at secondary school – especially in food technology which caused a bit of a problem. One year we were doing desserts and pastries which was probably the best topic ever and at the end of one lesson we were encouraged to talk about foods we liked. Most people in the class were giving answers which was always met with a chorus of ‘oh my god yes’ and ‘mmm yummy’ – but not from me. I was so worried someone would laugh at me or say something about my size that I did my best to keep my face remaining neutral and didn’t say anything at all. I’d sit there and long for the talk about food to end so that I didn’t have to worry anymore.

One of the people who brought me down the most because of my weight is actually the person I love most in the world – my Mom. I love her and I know she loves me but that woman said and continues to say things to me that really knock my confidence. Then when I tell her I feel insecure I’m met with comments about how I’m ‘beautiful’ and I only believe the negative and not the positive.

The one that sticks out was when she came into my room and spotted a photo of me and my friends which had been taken on my 20th birthday when my friends surprised me with a trip to the Harry Potter Studios. We’d been sat ‘in a carriage’ on the Hogwarts Express and were looking at the camera with a scared expression because there was a dementor looking through the window. We were all sat sideways to the camera and my Mom looked at it and said “Just a tip, to help you look skinnier in photos you should turn yourself so you’re facing forwards.”

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I suppose to her it was a throwaway comment but it made me want to cry and I still feel a bit negative about myself whenever I look at that photo. It was inappropriate to look at a photo that I associated with a happy memory and basically imply that I looked fat and should’ve sat a different way. It was also inappropriate when I was about fifteen and she looked me up and down in ASDA and blurted out “You look pregnant!”

Something that any overweight person can probably relate to is changing rooms at stores. There is nothing worse than having a breakdown in the changing rooms because nothing in the entire store fits you. As I’ve grown older I’ve learnt the kind of stores that just won’t fit my body type and now try to avoid them like the plague.

However my friends are all quite a bit skinnier than me so sometimes I end up in these shops anyway and honestly looking at clothes sized ’14-16’ being labelled as ‘XXL’ makes me want to go home and vomit. I’ve tweeted about this regularly but I hate finding a cute clothing garment online and realising their largest size is a 12. I might be big but I still want to wear cute clothes! We exist, make your clothes bigger!

One thing that annoyed me growing up were the amount of skinny people who would claim they were fat – I don’t doubt that they genuinely believed they were but I had one friend who was literally less than half the size of me who would moan she was fat then say to my face “You’re not fat, I’m really fat though.” It didn’t even make me feel better, I just thought it was stupid that someone who was clearly a lot smaller than me was claiming they were bigger.

Even now I have friends who regularly claim they’re fat and want to lose weight when I would kill someone to be their size. And every time they mention how much weight they want to lose it makes me feel awful about myself – I know that’s definitely not their intention and they definitely care more about their own weight than mine but it does make me wonder ‘what do you think of me if you think you need to lose weight?’

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Whenever I hear someone skinnier than me talking about their latest diet or whatever they’re doing to lose weight my stomach drops a little because I wonder why I’m not working harder to lose weight. My manager at work recently confessed she wanted to lose weight before her latest holiday and she’s literally the skinniest person in the office. I get so insecure snacking at work because everyone’s always on some kind of diet and doing their best to eat healthier and I’m worried everybody’s judging me.

When I was about twelve a friend confided in me that she liked being my friend because she didn’t have to feel embarrassed about eating in front of me like she did with other friends who were skinnier than her – I didn’t take offence at the time and it definitely wasn’t meant in a nasty way. I didn’t feel uncomfortable eating in front of her (if I felt uncomfortable eating in front of people skinnier than me I would never bloody eat) and I was happy that she felt comfortable. But it makes me quite sad that she felt that way considering we all need to eat to live – she wasn’t disgusting or fat just for having a basic human need to eat.

A recent thing that knocked my confidence was when Jess suggested that we all went clubbing together. Her, me, Becca and Jess. By that point I wasn’t against drinking alcohol anymore and the idea did sound quite fun but one thing was putting me off. People comparing me to them.

Okay it sounds stupid but it was a genuine concern. I’m bigger than the three of them and although I know it’s ridiculous I do look at photos of the four of us and wonder if I’m on par with them or if I’m significantly uglier. So when Jess suggested clubbing I was worried that people would hit on them and talk to them and basically ignore me all night. I guess films like ‘The Duff’ kind of fucked me up a little. Ultimately I knew it wouldn’t go down like that and that my friends would not ditch me or let anyone talk shit about me but I was still concerned.

It turned out I had nothing to worry about, people talked to me just as much as they did to my friends and I actually had a really good night. But I think the niggle of worry will still be there in the future even though I know it’s such a silly and petty thing to worry about. To be fair I did find I suddenly stopped caring about my size and whether people were judging once I’d had a couple of cocktails but I shouldn’t need to be tipsy to not be insecure!

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Something that’s worrying me for the future is that me and my friends are going to Asia in September/October… And I’m very worried about being fat shamed. I don’t really worry in Europe or America but like Asian sizes are always a lot smaller than European and I don’t know, I’m just worried someone will say something. It’s not stopping me being excited for the holiday because I am excited as I’ve always wanted to go. But I do worry that the insecurity will ruin my good time a little bit.

I feel like that as a K-Pop fan – I touched on this a little in my 24K Fanmeet London Experience post but due to Asian beauty standards I was a bit worried about meeting them the first couple of times. It feels horrible to say because they were so lovely but I was a bit worried one of them would look at me or say something that would make me feel awful. It’s the same with any K-Pop related thing to be honest. I fantasise about meeting my faves but I do worry that they would shame me for my size. Again, absolutely ridiculous but the insecurity is there!

I feel a bit more secure in my skin as I’ve gotten older and I feel like I am less obsessed about my weight but I do have days where I look in the mirror and wish I could just tear the fat away. But I just feel like even if I was skinnier I would still have insecurities. I would still think I was ugly 80% of the time, I would still be unhappy with many aspects of my life and the only thing that would really change is that I could buy more clothes from mainstream stores. Nothing ground-breaking would happen. My parents would probably still make comments about my weight, I would still be bigger than my friends and I would still be insecure.

The media doesn’t help either. I feel like I shouldn’t really comment on this movie because I didn’t see it but I hated the trailer for ‘I Feel Pretty’ starring Amy Schumer. It’s not like Amy is ugly by any standards and she’s not even fat, it just seemed a bit… Pointless? Obviously I didn’t see the movie so I won’t delve too deep but other media tries to make us think badly of fat people too. Young Monica in Friends was a laughing stock until she lost weight and suddenly she was desirable. That’s not okay! I’m not even gonna talk about Netflix’s new show ‘Insatiable’, a show I definitely won’t be watching.

I’m not really sure what the point of this post is because it’s not like it’s made me feel any better to write it… I guess I just want other people in my situation to realise that they’re not alone and there’s absolutely no shame in being overweight. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you an ugly person. One of my favourite posts on the internet said ‘you can be the pretty friend AND the fat friend’ and although I don’t think that applies to my friendship group it was still super uplifting to read.

Feel free to leave a comment with any of your own experiences whether they’re recent or while you were growing up. It would make me feel a little less alone and we could make each feel better!

Do’s and Don’ts of Concerts

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I got the inspiration for this post when scrolling through a ‘concert unpopular opinions’ threated on Twitter and there were a lot of divided opinions in the thread. It made me want to write a post about my own general do’s and don’ts of concerts because at this point I’ve been to a fair few and sometimes the people in the crowd can make or break the concert. Feel free to disagree with any of my points and I’ll happily have a friendly debate in the comments or you can take my advice – it’s up to you!

DO plan your outfit accordingly

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Concert outfits can be difficult because we all know the moment we step inside we’re all going to turn into sweaty mess’ but if you’re queuing outside all day for a concert in January it can get a bit cold so you need to dress accordingly. If you’re gonna be in the pit at the concert it can be annoying having to hold onto your jacket but the moment you get back outside you will appreciate that jacket because within minutes the heat from the concert will be gone and you’ll be shivering.

If it’s a summer concert I’d really recommend like shorts and a vest top but to be fair even I don’t normally follow that advice. My usual concert outfit is just a pair of jeans and usually one of the band’s t-shirts if I own it. Just always remember that even if you’re seated, it’s going to get hot in there and it will probably be freezing when you come back out so prepare for that.

I remember going to a concert and there was a girl wearing a bumblebee costume (I don’t know why) and since the pit was so crazy she passed out and had to get dragged out while her friends followed her crying. There’s always one person at a concert in a onesie and I mean like, hey you do you do what you want, but I will never forget that guy that pushed past me at Slam Dunk in a teletubbies onesie. Boy absolutely stank and it can’t be comfortable wearing a onesie at a concert so why?

DON’T be worried to go on your own

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I think the first concert I went to solo was Melanie Martinez and although standing outside for over an hour in November to queue up to get inside wasn’t my idea of fun I still had a good time at the actual concert itself. Since then I’ve been to a few by myself including 24K and Kyary Pamyu Pamyu and you can have a good time on your own. If your friends don’t want to go then certainly don’t let it stop you.

I understand that safety can be an aspect – I don’t get scared walking around London at night but I would feel a bit worried if I was in Birmingham. Figure something out beforehand – maybe get a hotel near the venue or ask your parents if they’d be willing to pick you up afterwards. But if what you’re worried about is people judging you for being alone then trust me when I say they won’t, nobody will care.

DO accept that you get what you pay/wait for

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When I went to see Melanie Martinez I was sat just one row from the back and when Mel came on stage everybody stood up as they often do so I stood up too, and so did a girl who was sat one seat away from me. She was maybe fourteen/fifteen years old and suddenly the woman behind her started screaming at her to sit back down. Timidly she sat back down but obviously then couldn’t see anything so her Mom encouraged her to stand back up to which these women who were there with their extremely young daughters (like maybe eight or younger) started yelling that she was ‘selfish’. Luckily everyone else came to the teenager’s defence but I’m still not over their sense of entitlement and how rude they were? Mate, you have a seat on the back row – yes it’s frustrating not being able to see but you get what you pay and why should this girl ruin her view to improve yours?

Recently at concerts where I’ve had no choice but to stand I’ve found myself behind several tall people, to which I usually take a pic and post to my Instagram story with the caption ‘tall people have no mercy’. However these tall people have waited in the queue longer than me, nabbed their spot before me and have no reason to worry about me or my view whatsoever. Fair is fair. If I wanted a perfect view I should’ve queued up long before the doors opened instead of 10 minutes beforehand (I used to queue all day but now I really can’t be bothered).

I’ll admit that yes in the heat of the moment it can be frustrating to be that short person at the back. I remember when I saw Kyary Pamyu Pamyu I didn’t even know if she was on the stage because I couldn’t see past the sea of tall men in front of me. But that’s not their issue and I’m not about to start having a go at them just because I couldn’t be bothered to queue up earlier for a better spot.

The real issue is bad venues. I’ve decided now that I really like 229 The Venue, maybe it’s ‘cos it’s not as crowded there but I can stand towards the back and still have a good view of the group whereas at ULU Live I had absolutely no chance.

DON’T make fun of others

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We’ve all been there, there’s that group of people in the queue or in the venue who are making you cringe to the point where you want to die a little bit. But is it really worth ruining their night just because it makes you cringe, especially if the stuff they’re doing or saying is just a little bit of innocent fun? When queuing for K-Con some girls started dancing to TWICE’s ‘Cheer Up’ and I’m not gonna lie, it was really cringe but ultimately they were having fun and who the hell am I to ruin their good time?

A lot of the time I prefer the groups of people that make me cringe to those that are unnecessarily rude. At 24K a group of girls were chanting “24K AYE 24K AYE 24K AYE” and they were a lot nicer to stand next to than the girls on the other side of me who were saying “God, I hate people like that.” You know what love, I hate miserable cows with bad attitudes but I’m not calling you out am I?

Similarly people that spend the whole time being judgemental. I once read a girl’s opinion in a band forum that said ‘I would never the band’s t-shirt to their show, that’s so cringe. I’d wear a different band’s shirt.’ Which I thought was weird but whatever. So I went to see Block B and as I don’t own a Block B shirt I wore a BTS one then literally got called out for it on a Facebook group by a girl I’d spoken to quite politely who said she’d wanted to scream at me when she saw what shirt I was wearing. If I was meeting the group then sure whatever maybe I should’ve been a bit more sensitive but trust me when I say that I nor anybody else there dropped £110 on a ticket to disrespect Block B.

Also it’s important to point out that I’d had an amazing time at this concert whereas this girl had moaned she’d had a terrible time. I even got a wave off Kyung, one of the members, who clearly didn’t give a damn what t-shirt I was wearing. So honestly stop focusing on everybody else and just focus on you and whether you’re having a good time.

DO hand out water if you get to the barrier

Everyone in standing is dying but nobody can go to the bar to get a drink otherwise they’re gonna lose their spot. I’ve never understood people who squeeze themselves through the crowd to the front, there’s already no room and you’re just gonna barge right on through?

Anyway, if you are lucky enough to get to the barrier and they’re passing out water then pass it back man there are people dying back there. Obviously drink some yourself if you need it but don’t forget about other people. I remember at my first All Time Low concert we all stopped caring about who had already drunk from the cup, I passed it to a girl, she had a drink then gave it back to me half full and I chugged the rest. It’s super important to stay hydrated but remember there are other people you need to look out for too!

DON’T be rude to the staff

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I remember me, Penina and her friend got to meet All Time Low before their concert once so we were let into the arena early but I decided I needed to pee so we came out to a very confused security guard who didn’t understand how we’d already gotten into the hall – we explained to him about the meet and greet but he still didn’t understand so he made us stand there while he called over a colleague who luckily knew about the meet and greet and explained it to him. He apologised, we went to the bathroom and he let us back into the hall with no issues.

This guy was literally just doing his job and I would never dream of making him feel bad for not understanding what we were doing in the hall. This applies to all members of staff – if someone tells you to stop doing something it’s not to kill your good time, it’s probably for your safety so shut up and do what they tell you instead of being a baby about it.

DO take as many pictures and videos as you want

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Controversial topic – taking photos and videos at concerts. We all see that argument of ‘if you wanted to watch through a screen then stay at home, enjoy the moment at the concert’. But here’s the thing, I enjoy taking videos and updating my Instagram story throughout the concert so why the hell shouldn’t I? I’ve paid money to be there and I’ll do whatever I want with my time whilst I’m there.

I don’t really film the whole song anymore or every song, I like to record the first verse and chorus of my favourites and then spend the rest of the song ‘in the moment’ having a good time. But don’t let anyone else tell you how you should be doing it, if you want to record every moment then go for it!

DON’T sell your tickets on for 5x the price

I understand that the temptation is there. I found I couldn’t go to a Lindsey Stirling concert, something I was gutted about, so I had to sell my ticket on getmein. For face value because I’m not an absolute as*hole. There is nothing worse for a fan than desperately wanting to go to a concert only to discover the only tickets left are on sites like getmein for five times the price.

Also by jacking up the price you’re putting a lot of people off so what if you don’t sell out? Now you’re out of pocket AND you’re an as*hole. If you find you can’t go then sell it for face value or maybe like £20 or so extra because to be fair those sites do charge an admin fee. But it should never be more than double the price, it’s honestly ridiculous.

That’s all I can think of for the moment, if you have any more then please feel free to leave a comment!